Why is it that I've gone almost a year without a decent computer? I type this entry on an orange iBook G3 (a.k.a. the first iBook released by apple, or more simply put, shit). I made the attempt quite a few months ago to call up Dell in order to see if I could get a hold of the driver CDs I so desperately need for my computer to once again function properly. Well, my good friend the answering machine picked up and the message went something like this: "Hello, and welcome to Dell SmartStep Tech Support. Unfortunately, no one is around at the moment to take your call. Please leave your credit card number to authorize a deposit in the amount of $25, your query, and your telephone number. We'll contact you whenever possible. Have a nice day." I have many, many problems with this. First of all, the fact that I got a machine each of the five times I called (during business hours) is not cool. Secondly, how can those solicitus bastards expect me to leave my card number on a machine for a security deposit on TECH SUPPORT? Isn't that supposed to be free? What if you can't fix my problem? Huh? What then? I think I'm the one who needs to receive a fucking security deposit for $25. What is becoming of customer service lately? I swear. Okay, maybe it's only two problems, but it's ridiculous that I can't even get a hold of the customer support. If this keeps up, I'll just have to buy a new computer altogether (do I smell a conspiracy?).
With my computer trouble, plus everything else, it seems as though nothing has been going right for me in the last two years. I know it's all my fault, but if only there were second chances. I could've stayed where I was and been somewhat content- not happy- I've never been a "happy" person and I don't know that I ever will be. Maybe content is even the wrong word. Perhaps it's unfazed I'm thinking of. That's about right. I would have remained unfazed. On numerous occasions, I've wondered how I let myself become who I am. No, that's not right either. I often wonder how I've let my current circumstances become of me. There was nothing I couldn't have done, and the hardest part of it all is having to point the proverbial "wagging finger of shame" towards myself, and when I realize it's me who's screwed me over (up until 2004 at least), I find myself wanting to change and grow from my experiences. And while it's easy to say and plan, the excecution comes with great difficulty because as I walk up to those iron doors in the morning, I have to fight back tears and the impulse to throw myself off of the highest floor of the building. Last year, I earned decent grades with the exception of one marking period, but evidently that didn't help my situation. Trapped. That's exactly what I am.